a parental checklist to assist police in locating a missing child should include what instructions?

As counselors, nosotros come in contact with clients who are angry or heartbroken and oftentimes experience defeated. This sense of hurting and loss is frequently realized in the forensic setting in which I work with parents who are drastic to rebuild a parent-child relationship that is severely damaged or estranged. I also piece of work with children who assert that they never want to see or speak with one of their parents again.

These are not parents who accept driveling or neglected their children. They are parents who previously had what would be characterized equally a skillful human relationship with their children — until the time of a separation or divorce. I have worked with families in which the conflict has connected for longer than 10 years prior to therapy.

It should be noted that many people in the helping professions refer to this troubled parent-kid relationship as "parental alienation." Through the years, various nomenclatures accept been practical in an attempt to give this pathological postal service-divorce miracle a name. But even as we settle on what to telephone call information technology, we must assist these children and the counselors who work with them.

Virtually counselors working with children or families have witnessed this dynamic to varying degrees. In that location are aplenty articles on child alienation, yet many counselors remain conflicted about how to effectively treat these troubled parent-child relationships.

I'll provide a case example. "Sarah" contacted me and said she had been divorced for 15 years. She told me she had been happily remarried for five years, held a doctorate degree in mathematics and was employed as a full-fourth dimension professor. But she indicated she had a damaged human relationship with her 15-year-quondam daughter, "Julie."

In chronicling her story in my function, Sarah vacillated between sobbing and seething with anger. She said that when Julie spent time with her biological father, "Michael," that he undermined Sarah's parenting boundaries, spoiled Julie and used every opportunity to denigrate Sarah. Sarah went on to say that she was worried because Julie was disregarding curfews and skipping classes, had been in problem with the juvenile court system and had recently been caught smoking marijuana.

When I contacted Michael, he presented with a jovial disposition. He stated he was engaged to exist married and was employed equally a plumber. He initially appeared supportive of his daughter. Although he said he didn't encounter whatsoever reason that Julie might demand therapy, he indicated that he wasn't opposed.

When Julie's therapy sessions began, she insisted that she loathed her mother considering Sarah was unreasonable. Julie stated that her mother grounded her for "trivial" reasons such as skipping school and smoking marijuana. When discussing her father's approach to parenting, Julie described Michael equally a superb parent because he did not stoop to "ruining" her life. In improver, Julie mentioned that her male parent was planning on buying her a auto. She stated that her male parent would talk with her and non carry out "ridiculous, over-the-peak consequences for trivial, normal teenage mishaps."

Treatment tips

Stride one: The offset step is to ask yourself if you possess the skills and advanced preparation to work with families engaged in transition and ongoing disharmonize. If not, that is OK. This is a good time to seek referrals from colleagues who are comfortable with courtroom-continued work.

Step two: When working with parents who are separated, divorced or are in the center of a kid-custody evaluation, counselors should request a copy of the courtroom orders prior to starting treatment with their children. Counselors should exist aware that some parents "therapist shop" and are actively looking for a advisor who will tell them what they want to hear, not necessarily what is helpful. Some potential clients are searching for a counselor to align with them and join in with them about how awful their ex-spouse is. Counselors should keep in listen that failure to contact the child'due south other parent may innovate a host of issues (for example, board complaints), especially if the parent seeking treatment for the child does non have the right to do so per court order. Also make certain to obtain all necessary releases before conversing with any previous counselors who have worked with the family members.

Stride three: Counselors working with parents who are irrationally rejected by their children need to be well-versed in the literature. Failing to recognize and treat alienated children and their parents prolongs emotional damage for the child and can harm the entire family arrangement.

Step four: As a advisor, you must know who the client is. Are you working with the kid, the kid and the parent(due south), or 1/both of the parents? Information technology is vital to understand how the client ended upwards in your office. Additionally, your role must be clear. Are you working as a court-appointed advisor or a courtroom-involved counselor? Recognize that in cases of child alienation, other parties — such as other counselors, attorneys or parenting coordinators — are ofttimes involved.

Stride five: Know your definitions, but do not diminish your clients past labeling them. When conversing with other professionals, it is acceptable to refer to the parent to whom the kid aligns as the "favored" parent. The "rejected" parent (or "target" parent) is the parent whom the child rejects or refuses to spend time with. When working with the courts, and depending on their jurisdiction, counselors may desire to use behavioral descriptions, not diagnostic labels.

Counselors should remember to focus on behaviors that tin be described. Although information technology is acceptable to discuss the concept of triangulation, gatekeeping, pathological alignment or irrational alienation with your colleagues, it is not helpful to use these terms with clients.

Step six: Exercise not diagnose if you lot accept not actually met the customer or witnessed the parent-child interactions. For instance, if 1 parent seeks your services and reports that the other parent is alienating the child and is a narcissist and/or borderline, you cannot diagnose that other parent equally borderline because yous take not met with or witnessed that parent.

Therapeutic fallacies

Richard Warshak is a world-renowned expert on parental alienation. He has written countless peer-reviewed publications on custody disputes, divorce, alienated children and stepfamilies, and has developed educational materials. Warshak recently provided strategies that can guide counselors in working with this hard parent-child dynamic. According to a study he published earlier this year (run into http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/2015-27699-001/), several fallacies can compromise the therapeutic process.

• Children never unreasonably reject the parent with whom they spend the nigh fourth dimension. The commencement fallacy counselors should recognize is that more fourth dimension does non necessarily equal quality time. Using rapid clinical judgment, it is like shooting fish in a barrel to conclude that a kid identifies with the parent whom he or she sees the most. If counselors do non recognize this fallacy, they may determine that the parent must accept done something that warranted poor treatment by the child. This line of thinking contributes to additional emotional distress. In turn, under this supposition, counselors can go on the lookout for flaws inside the rejected parent to substantiate their behavior. Counselors should be aware that when a child spends time with the nonresidential parent, that parent could be using that express time to teach the child to disrespect and disobey the custodial parent. To start this fallacy, counselors must stop thinking in unidimensional terms.
• Children never unreasonably pass up mothers. According to Warshak'due south study, "Those who believe mothers cannot be the victims of their children'south irrational rejection are predisposed to believe that children who pass up their mothers have good reason for doing so." He advises that counselors should go on an open heed near both parents and consider that mothers may be rejected without good reason.
• Each parent contributes as to a child'south alienation. Counselors should not generalize that both parents are always as at error for a kid'due south alienation. Counselors would not place equal blame for intimate partner violence on the victim. Likewise, it is non helpful to equally blame both parents for a kid's unwarranted rejection when one parent may exist instigating the child's actions and attitudes.

One bias that comes into play is repetition bias. Those working in the field are permeated with the term "high conflict" and may deem that parental alienation is synonymous with that term. As described past Warshak, the term high conflict "implies articulation responsibleness for generating conflict."

In my practice, I developed a nuanced view. At that place are times when both parents contribute to and could benefit from parenting education or family unit therapy. Notwithstanding, in the case of Sarah and Michael, Michael openly defied the court's orders, ultimately refusing to let Sarah spend time with their daughter. He too denigrated Sarah in front end of the child. I would not be practicing the concept of "not-maleficence" when working with Sarah if I were to suggest that she was at fault. Demanding more of Sarah and blaming her just adds insult to injury.

Equally Warshak points out, "When the rejected parent'south behavior is inaccurately assumed to be a major factor in the children'southward breach, therapy proceeds in unproductive directions." At this bespeak, counselors may wonder, "What am I to practise?" A counselor should remain neutral and avoid making unwarranted assumptions.

• Alienation is a child's transient, short-lived response to the parents' separation. This fallacy is damaging considering child alienation may be deemed to be a normal byproduct of divorce that volition resolve on its ain. Prior to going into private do, I co-led a back up group for adults who had lost all contact with their children. These cases were not due to a groundwork of abuse or fail; instead, many involved a contentious divorce.

Unfortunately, some counselors espouse the notion that the child should determine when to see the rejected parent and advise that over time, the child will come around. In some cases, the kid may re-establish a human relationship with the parent. Nonetheless, not all children reconnect. And even if they do, parents cannot reclaim lost time.

Counselors understand that they should practice within the telescopic of their license. In many states, counselors are prohibited from making admission or possession determinations. Counselors do non have the right to supplant a court guild and tell an alienated child that he or she does not have to spend time with the rejected parent. Once more, it is necessary to obtain a re-create of the client's electric current court orders prior to starting counseling.

Another exercise tip is that counselors should encourage the parent who is the target of unwarranted rejection to remain in constant contact with his or her children. Counselors tin also assistance parents in knowing and agreement the stages of development and helping parents to codify proper responses to a child's verbal insults.

• Rejecting a parent is a healthy short-term coping mechanism. Counselors can place this fallacy by reflecting on common biases, many which are covered in counseling programs. Counselors must be cautious about the bias of wishful thinking because it provides a false hope to clients. As Warshak (2015) explains, "Counselors who believe that rejection of a parent is a salubrious adaptation encourage parents to accept the children'due south negativity until the children feel ready to discard it." He goes on to say that "this is especially true when therapists assume that the alienation is destined to be short-lived." Although nosotros have specialized training every bit counselors, information technology is important to remember that nosotros cannot predict time to come outcomes.

Another way to think near parental rejection is to consider whether the parents would ignore their kid refusing to speak to one of the parents if the whole family still resided together. Understandably, most would find this unacceptable.

• Alienated adolescents' stated preferences should boss decisions. This fallacy tin can exist offset by using analytical thinking and a basic understanding of brain development. Many adolescents know more nearly developed matters than we would want them to know. Regardless, adolescents are not adults and should not make adult decisions. Adolescents are prone to peer pressure and are in the process of discovering their identity. Most adults cannot imagine asking if an adolescent would like to nourish school. Every bit Warshak writes, "Adolescents' vulnerability to external influence is why parents are wise to worry near the company their teenagers keep."

Counselors can help rejected parents to not personalize it when a teenager has a soccer game and prefers to forego parent-kid time. Or when working with a favored parent who claims the kid does not savour fourth dimension with the target parent, counselors tin point out that some adolescents practice not savour their homework, but they are expected to practice it anyway.

Treatment goals and tips

When working with the child:

• Promote a healthy relationship with both parents.
• Assist the child to right cognitive distortions.
• Work with the child to maintain a balanced view of both parents.
• Amend the child's critical thinking skills.
• Recognize when a child's behavior is incongruent from one setting to the next.
• Augment the kid's coping skills.

When working with the rejected parent:

• Recognize that the parent may experience misunderstood.
• Work with the parent not to counter-pass up the kid.
• Be aware of avoidance and passivity; the parent may want to escape the poor treatment of the ex-spouse and the child by avoiding the problem altogether.

When working with the favored parent:

• Recognize there may be a function reversal. The kid may be meeting the emotional needs of the parent. Help the parent recognize his or her role equally a parent and encourage the parent to engage in developed relationships to find emotional support.
• Keep an eye open for enmeshment. What might initially appear equally a healthy parent-child human relationship could exist extremely unhealthy. For instance, there may be a lack of community or family unit support.
• Recognize that children generally benefit from the involvement of parents, absence corruption or neglect. Realize that some rejected parents may take personality disorders and keep to instigate court hearings or defy court orders.

The do's and don'ts

• Do not recommend a alter in custody if i parent is behaving badly. Custody reversal may be necessary in some cases, just it is not the role of the counselor to make that determination.

• Do non align with one parent over the other.

• Do cooperate with parenting coordinators and the courts.

• Do recognize that parents in litigation are probable to exist working toward an adult-oriented outcome — namely to prevail in court.

• Do consider a variety of explanations when working with a kid or teenager who irrationally rejects a parent.

• Do not discard data that is inconsistent with the counselor's viewpoint.

*****

Monika Logan is a licensed professional counselor living in Dallas who specializes in troubled parent-child relationships and sexual behavior problems. In addition to maintaining a private practice and doing court-continued piece of work, she recently adult a program to assistance youth in the criminal justice system maintain boundaries both offline and online and stay connected with their families. Contact her at mlogan@texaspcs.org.

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Source: https://ct.counseling.org/2015/12/parent-child-relationship-problems-treatment-tools-for-rectification-counseling/

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